a big sphere full of memories, pictures and scenes - melancholy

I think this post will be the most complicated one

WARNING: kind of dangerous, but easily understood by melancholic person

Today's topic is melancholy, one thing that troubled me this past couple years

most of the things is about relationship with others, regret and guilt

It started from my first year in campus.... one step after my school era

before that, I crushed on somebody and so sad that we have to seperate

and the most painful thing is we grew in our own beliefs, in a very different way

That was my first downfall and everyday was a battle for me

but then I forgot about it over time due to my works at university

By that time I felt like being a different person, so sensitve and easily broken

I can't use my time as effective as I used to be

oftenly I see people and judged them based on what I've seen and heard

made me feel insecure and lonely

but in the process knowing Him more and more

I can transform that false judgement and interpretation into something useful and inspiring

In this case, I know that the problem was me and I just need to change myself

but......

This is the next case, about responsibility

it's been 3 weeks since the last time I went to church (that's true, 3 weeks)

I don't want to blame anyone, eventhough I was forbid to go

I just started my ministry in a church for 1 1/2 months and I didn't come more than half of the weeks

Well, everybody was so nice to reply my message

There were part of me who wish that they would hate me for that instead of being so nice

I was so desperate and really want to blame someone for this

I really had the opportunity to blame him (my dad) but I know I shouldn't

this really made me depressed and had been thinking about it

last night there were thougt

"Don't worry, it's only about you and Me. Let them be my portion."

and suddenly I felt so peace and I realize that He's so superior, He completed all my incapability

He taught me these times to give the true respond towards anything

sometimes it's hard to follow His lesson

but when I cross to the finish line, all I can see is his glory

Thanks for the process DAD, can't wait to see your next lesson

being melancholy is not as scary as it was, it depends on how you respond to all of your thoughts

and of course sometimes it's too hard for yourself to handle, just remember HIM and He'll solve it all for you =]

obedience

"Humble heart"

that's what I need right now to supress my emotion

It was battle all the time at home

they always think that they are the most righteous

and now I'm back at home, trying to be a great son, the one that can be proud of

but still it's hard to be sincere when one of them always compare me with some other's child and the other one always have his own thought, never think of others, violence.

and that's the challenge for me, of course to handle myself when I have the opportunity to fight back and express my opinion. but no, I should not!

So, almost every night I told my story to God, how I felt during the day and how I should respond the following day

often I thought that it wasn't fair for me to be like this, eventhough I know it's fair, knowing that they work to fund me, to pay for everything that I need. Everytime I'm about to blow up, I try to think about how they work day and night just to fulfill what I need.

When I'm praying for them, my action should be in accordance with it.

I need to obey them as my parents, that's all, as long as it doesn't contradict with what God wants

Ephesians 6:1-4

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

what can I do?

It's 3 weeks before I go to Guangzhou where I will study mroe about their language

I'm so excited yet sad to go, mixed feeling that I can't handle by myself

I really love to go somewhere I haven't been before but in the other hand I have to leave people that I love

I don't care whether they'll miss me or not, the case is I'll miss them a lot

Sorry, my mellow side come out, LOL

My point this time is not about my leave, but about the three weeks

the main question is what can I do in this three weeks

I've been staying at home these two months and nothing much to do other than mandarin course and practice at home

I feel less useless, I reflected many times about this and haven't figured anything useful that I have done in this short interval

I just started my ministry in church from last few weeks and it's getting harder for me to go there because of one and two things

life group also just started las months and I didn't come a few times, harder for me to come and even to invite people

but then just now I just realized one thing, to be useful doesn't mean you have to do BIG things, a lot of small good things lead you to BIG things

You never know a tiny thing that you do can affect people big, a smile sometime can heal someone's broken heart

one short chat can heal someone's lonely heart

even now, the time is getting shorter and I'll do what I can, even the tiniest thing

good bye Indo and hello China in 3 weeks =]

who are you to judge?

Again, the topic is not that far with the previous post. It's about who are you to judge others. Today, I got few similar broadcast messages that said about things that we should not do as believers. They said we spend more time reading useless magazine than reading the bible or we spend more money to buy things than giving money to church. Overall, it is so offense, made me really insecure, not because I felt bad that I did most of it, but how if the message is read by others?

It reminded me about something in my life. About someone that I loved so much changed so bad because of it. What is the cause? It's because there are believers out there who offense Him, saying that he should repent and so on. I mean, who has the right to judge others. How can you make other believe if you offense them, feels like they are the one who knows the best and do all the right things, but the fact is nonsense!

Sorry for being to the point, but this is what I'm longing for, and seeing people have been doing that really made me really sad. As a believer, we know what we have to do, to love, to care, to give the RIGHT example, the truth. And that's why also people like to comparing us, creating bad image and bitterness everywhere.

I, too, don't want to judge you guys, but I have to start from myself not to judge people, not considering myself as the person who knows it all. Humbled.

don't judge book by its cover?

Recently I studied Joshua and I think this is the second time I read the same chapter. In Joshua 2 we see that Rahab lied about the spies were hiding in her place. This time I was so curious about why she lied, I searched a lot of things on the internet, and finally I found it, but that's not the point.

When you see the whole story, it's not about Rahab's lie, it's about the spies! It's about how God is so good to provide Rahab who can give them place to hide, I can't wonder if they find another person who wouldn't sacrifice themselves.

People tend to do the same thing to anything. Imagine a beautiful girl, from here we can see her as a perfect image, and then when she speaks, something bad happen, you smell something from other world. And then you start talking with your friend about her mouth and stuff, instead of talking about her beauty and so on.

That's what I just felt last night, actually it was a simple thing, when someone countered my argument about joyful. Actually I really want to counter back, but there's something inside of me that told me not to. I learn how to see other's perspective from the positive side and when it's already so crucial, it's not ethic to tell it in front of public.

Sometimes people think they're the best, they know all things, but at the point when they think they know all, actually they know nothing. But still, it's not my right to judge anybody when you don't know anything about other people's mind.

Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his

sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes

of him with whom we have to do. (Hebrew 4:13)

People also tend to hide their weakness afraid of disapproval from others. But one thing is no one's perfect. We can see people only from their outer layer, and only God can judge all of us. Because God doesn't see our appearance, He sees our heart. =]

love love love love why love?

It's 8 days before I step into 22 and one thing that have been asked lately is about date

For real, I've never have a date in my life, in this almost 22 years! =]

but... beside that, I felt so grateful for not having any date until now

I don't need to experience bad date because of me being unprepared

so, still I feel grateful for everything

It's been almost 22 years I heard dozens of love stories, from my male and female friends.

weeks before they become girl/boyfriend, the world seems so beautiful, one thing that they only care of is their special one.

every weakness and bad influence can be exception, his/her minds stucked in the ~lala world

that's when the story hasn't even begun

when they have committed, they move to the theme park, having fun and doesn't care about their surrounding, because they don't want to waste their money they have paid for the theme park.

not long after that, they decided to go out from the theme park, but still, they can talk about the enjoyment the felt before

but nothing last forever, they have nothing left to talk about

what make it worse, they don't want to go to the theme park again because they think it's boring

and so on and so on..... they have problem for being together without any excitement

and you know what happen next

and more and more stories about premature love and how it ended

I don't want to talk about love, how you should start and undergo it, you can see it in a book, a lot of it.

I have many things that came up to my minds lately about this love thing

"When most of your attentions focused on someone you attracted to means

you are not ready to love, because when you're ready, your focus is all about God, not about human"

Genesis 2:18-23

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground

all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its

name.

So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and

he brought her to the man.

The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."

Adam never ask for Eve when God gave to him. God knows that Adam NEED a mate for him to be paired, and again when we focus in ourself, we won't get the best in the most right time. We may get one, but is it the best for us? Then what happen if it's not? You have seen the story up there. I can't say that if you have already got boy/girlfriend, you should break with them, because it's not from God. God has plan for everything, so don't worry about it, start focusing on Him, what He wants to do in your relationship. And for you who haven't got any mate, don't worry, God has saved one for you and that's the best for you!

When you focus on Him, you'll know what you have to do as a person and what you need in your partner. For gentlemen, hang on! For ladies, be patient! =]

grateful

well, I can't say it's coincidence or not, but in my next IBT (Internet-Based TOEFL), I have to get excellent mark for my writing, higher than other part of the test. Well, eventhough I don't write here often, but at least it helps me to sharpen my writing skill. XP

I was sick 2 days ago, I couldn't sleep all night. I tried to sleep from 1-6 am and then I gave up, I told my dad that I wanted to go to hospital. I couldn't take the pain for any longer. It's hard for me to step the stairs and to walk to the doctor's house is another pain for me.

My heart said, "God help, God help, I couldn't stand this anymore, heal me, O, God!"

I know that God would heal me, but it needs time.

After I went back from the doctor's house, I continued my "sick journey" to Grand Indonesia, chessecake factory, having fun with my friends. I really want to forget about my sickness and go somewhere exciting.

I went home and I slept for 14 hours.

I woke up and I stepped on the same stairs and I was so surprised, I have been healed.

Well, I feel grateful at that time, very grateful to be healed by such sickness in instant.

I was thinking, yeah, people rarely feel grateful if they are in a hard situation.

There were no thought in my mind to be grateful to God for my sickness

so ashame that I see Job's gratefulness when he was in the hardest situation

People tend to complain more than be grateful

because the main point is still the same, you're focusing in yourself

When I was sick, I only thought about how can I be cured, so I pray to God

I didn't thank Him for me being sick but still having money to go to doctor and get the medicine

I didn't thank Him for me being sick and doesn't have any responsibility to do

well, it's only one case that I know and I realized

I have to be more sensitive to see this life, how I should be grateful for who I am and for who He is, so that I can be more humble

=D