a big sphere full of memories, pictures and scenes - melancholy

I think this post will be the most complicated one

WARNING: kind of dangerous, but easily understood by melancholic person

Today's topic is melancholy, one thing that troubled me this past couple years

most of the things is about relationship with others, regret and guilt

It started from my first year in campus.... one step after my school era

before that, I crushed on somebody and so sad that we have to seperate

and the most painful thing is we grew in our own beliefs, in a very different way

That was my first downfall and everyday was a battle for me

but then I forgot about it over time due to my works at university

By that time I felt like being a different person, so sensitve and easily broken

I can't use my time as effective as I used to be

oftenly I see people and judged them based on what I've seen and heard

made me feel insecure and lonely

but in the process knowing Him more and more

I can transform that false judgement and interpretation into something useful and inspiring

In this case, I know that the problem was me and I just need to change myself

but......

This is the next case, about responsibility

it's been 3 weeks since the last time I went to church (that's true, 3 weeks)

I don't want to blame anyone, eventhough I was forbid to go

I just started my ministry in a church for 1 1/2 months and I didn't come more than half of the weeks

Well, everybody was so nice to reply my message

There were part of me who wish that they would hate me for that instead of being so nice

I was so desperate and really want to blame someone for this

I really had the opportunity to blame him (my dad) but I know I shouldn't

this really made me depressed and had been thinking about it

last night there were thougt

"Don't worry, it's only about you and Me. Let them be my portion."

and suddenly I felt so peace and I realize that He's so superior, He completed all my incapability

He taught me these times to give the true respond towards anything

sometimes it's hard to follow His lesson

but when I cross to the finish line, all I can see is his glory

Thanks for the process DAD, can't wait to see your next lesson

being melancholy is not as scary as it was, it depends on how you respond to all of your thoughts

and of course sometimes it's too hard for yourself to handle, just remember HIM and He'll solve it all for you =]

obedience

"Humble heart"

that's what I need right now to supress my emotion

It was battle all the time at home

they always think that they are the most righteous

and now I'm back at home, trying to be a great son, the one that can be proud of

but still it's hard to be sincere when one of them always compare me with some other's child and the other one always have his own thought, never think of others, violence.

and that's the challenge for me, of course to handle myself when I have the opportunity to fight back and express my opinion. but no, I should not!

So, almost every night I told my story to God, how I felt during the day and how I should respond the following day

often I thought that it wasn't fair for me to be like this, eventhough I know it's fair, knowing that they work to fund me, to pay for everything that I need. Everytime I'm about to blow up, I try to think about how they work day and night just to fulfill what I need.

When I'm praying for them, my action should be in accordance with it.

I need to obey them as my parents, that's all, as long as it doesn't contradict with what God wants

Ephesians 6:1-4

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

what can I do?

It's 3 weeks before I go to Guangzhou where I will study mroe about their language

I'm so excited yet sad to go, mixed feeling that I can't handle by myself

I really love to go somewhere I haven't been before but in the other hand I have to leave people that I love

I don't care whether they'll miss me or not, the case is I'll miss them a lot

Sorry, my mellow side come out, LOL

My point this time is not about my leave, but about the three weeks

the main question is what can I do in this three weeks

I've been staying at home these two months and nothing much to do other than mandarin course and practice at home

I feel less useless, I reflected many times about this and haven't figured anything useful that I have done in this short interval

I just started my ministry in church from last few weeks and it's getting harder for me to go there because of one and two things

life group also just started las months and I didn't come a few times, harder for me to come and even to invite people

but then just now I just realized one thing, to be useful doesn't mean you have to do BIG things, a lot of small good things lead you to BIG things

You never know a tiny thing that you do can affect people big, a smile sometime can heal someone's broken heart

one short chat can heal someone's lonely heart

even now, the time is getting shorter and I'll do what I can, even the tiniest thing

good bye Indo and hello China in 3 weeks =]